It's a miracle that I'm writing this and honestly I can't quite believe it myself. When I leave my mind to confront what I've been closing off all this time, the sad truth is - I haven't been remotely interested in practising in over 4 years now. It saddens me to the core and yet it's not enough to get me back on my feet. Let me tell you what happened to me today:

Nearly 5 o'clock in the evening and I've not yet moved. I've not got dressed, I've barely eaten and I've not left my room. I'm scrolling mindlessly through Facebook and accidentally stumble across message requests from people I have never met. So many thank you's, so many questions, so much appreciation for this silly little blog. It made me remember how much I used to love writing these posts, love helping everyone and how much I wish I still could with so much enthusiasm.

Losing your passion for something changes your relationship with it. There was a time when this world completely consumed me and now when people ask what I'd like to do with my life, my answer is always "I don't know".

So unfortunately, this post doesn't signify my return to this crazy world. But it means I'm going to try. Try to be interested, try to be active, try to help people. And hopefully who knows, I might end up auditioning again one day. Thank you to everyone that continues to encourage me, to everyone that sends me messages of your own stories and to everyone that looks to me for inspiration. It's you that inspires me.

This offer ends 2/2/15 at 5:00pm!

Calling all thespians! For those of you that are not signed up for IdeasTap, I suggest you do so! The site, designed to give younger people more opportunities such as jobs and workshops, are offering only to it's members, a chance to win a Bursary with Rose Bruford College.

I auditioned for Rose Bruford in Sidcup, Kent, back in 2013 and was recalled but failed to get a place. I remember not being too enthusiastic about the college but I must say, the campus was lovely. They had loads of large outdoor space which I imagine is lovely to rehearse on during the summer months. Their notable alumni includes Tom Baker, Stephen Graham and Lake Bell.

Definitely worth giving this a shot! And if you're new to IdeasTap, I really recommend exploring the website for all the goodies. For the workshops, it's sometimes hard to get your name down before there's a waiting list, but some of the stuff they offer is amazing. AND FREE. Imagine going to your audition and saying that you've participated in workshops on Autobiographical Theatre, Lecoq Methods, Improvisation Skills and even Acting Through Song.

Here's the link for the rose Bruford Bursary:
http://www.ideastap.com/Opportunities/Brief/a7c8c243-9c60-4272-a0a7-a41900acf5b5#Overview

Remember to be quick, it closes in four days!

I'm going to start off with a massive apology, my last blog post was in October. I'll try my hardest now we're in the new year to make a conscious effort to update more, sorry! We've got a lot to catch up on...
As I said in my previous post, I had two upcoming projects one paid and one amateur. Unfortunately, as I have found out throughout the past two years, nothing ever works out the way you want it to. In this case however, I'm talking about the play Chapel Street. To refresh your memories, the director of my amateur class cast me as Kirsty in Luke Barnes' Chapel Street. Though we had together auditioned several men for the male part, the director chose to audition me again. I didn't get the part down to the fact that I had no experience, which you can't argue with. However, I went on to perform as Macbeth with my amateur group and it went brilliantly. I really did enjoy it, and have signed on for the next season, which has already begun. The theme is The Grimm Brothers and I am so excited.

Oh, and I have a surprise for you..

I think I'm pretty decided that I want to work on my acting in this next year. I'm thinking maybe of doing a few professional workshops alongside the casual classes I'm taking at the Queens Theatre. The Shakespeare short course at CSSD looks amazing, and great for only £450. I think this is the way forward for me. Even I can tell that my acting really is not up to scratch for auditioning - seriously scruffy. Lets hope that a year of acting courses, extra work and classes is enough to prove next year that I can survive this business.
I've also recently been looking back at comments and thinking about writing. I enjoy blogging. In fact no, it's not just blogging. It's writing that I love - even when I was in primary school I would write elaborate short stories. Novels are daunting however. My writing style has too much spoken voice for it to be taken as serious literature. But perhaps plays? I'm not sure.

Does anyone else have a plan for this year? Audition preparations?

As a result of a select few people abusing the luxury of anonymity, I'm afraid to say you will no longer be able to comment without signing into your Google account. I apologise to those who have been completely supportive while remaining anonymous. I did and still do greatly appreciate the advice, shared stories of understanding and thoughts you have posted throughout my blog.

This transition is unfortunately and yet thankfully only due to a small minority of people that believe masquerading behind a keyboard grants them permission to write whatever they please. Well I'm sorry, but that's not how it works here. This blog, though perhaps only a few of you know, was created merely for myself to record the details of my auditions. I was not expecting the amount of responses, the people that asked for my help nor the now 60,000 views for this page. I had so much incredible fun writing out these auditions with laughter, wit and advisory. And yet now, it seems, a select few are voicing their opinions more than I am.

I will do it. There is no question in my mind that I will achieve my goal. In five years, in seven years or perhaps in twenty. One day you will see my name and I hope to God that you feel like shit for putting me down. I am not spoilt in the slightest. I went from a two parent family with a six figure salary to living with my single mother, on one income and benefits at the age of seven. I was never sent to stage school or acting lessons because we could not afford them. My first acting class was one that I paid for myself out of birthday money at the age of 17. Now tell me again that I am a brat.

It seems so easy to choose a career and pursue it. Go to university, obtain a degree, enter the business. Why do I have to decide now? Because quite frankly, I'm enjoying life without the pressure. No, I'm not going to miss the window. No, I'm not being lazy. But for the record, I have paid for acting lessons (out of my own salary thank you), I am back in contact with old directors as well as new ones, and have contacted three photographers for head shots.

The sad reality is, none of this is really any of your business. I've opened up my life to anyone and everyone - some strangers, some evidently not. Herein lies the fame monster. You can never run from negativity. However, while I'm still normal, at least I can regulate it.

Not only did I abandon this blog after my second rejection from RADA, I also abandoned any dream and ambition I had towards a career in acting. With full force, I focused on working full time in a bar; with no plan for the future whatsoever. For a while, this was perfect. It didn't bother me in the slightest. I feel I'm a completely different person to the fresh out of sixth form auditionee that radiated enthusiasm. I got a nose piercing, dyed my hair pink, fucked up (a lot), made new friends, lost old friends and I'm still struggling to find my happy place. 

Work has become tiring. Several people my age at work are making plans for the future; joining the police, applying for university, producing music - doing what they love. I obviously can't work in a bar all my life and I feel like I'm being left behind. 

The thing is that I still don't have any passion. I'm not reading scripts, or watching films, or seeing plays, I don't go to my theatre and I don't talk to anyone about acting. I'm so lost. Where do I even look for an agent? Do I apply again this year? What's the point?

I want my passion back.

Can I first just say that the incredible feedback and support I received after my last post was nothing short of overwhelming. Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to email, comment on the post or message me directly. For me, it was a dark time devoid of support and motivation and although I still sometimes have down days - it is amazing just to know that so many of you are there for me.

I'm a lot happier than I was from September - early December. I think that it's mostly down to the Christmas holidays and having family at home all day. But of course, the holidays are over and it's time to get sorted before I slip under again.

2014 so far has been incredibly good to me. From half an hour past midnight onwards has made me incredibly happy and positive - of course, down to the new man in my life (cringe fest sorry). My friendship with my best friend is as strong as ever along with my family life and I don't want a thing to change. The only thing I need to get on track is a job.

I have applied for RADA. My date was originally on the 14th January (this Tuesday!) but I've had it moved to two weeks from now on the 27th. I am choosing between Phoebe and Rosalind from As You Like It for my Shakespearean text and am currently looking for a back up which will be needed in the recall and final round (if I reach it). I also have Viola's 'I left no ring' already memorised if all else fails. However, though I have a modern text on hold, I'm not entirely happy with it. And so I'm asking you, readership. I need a modern monologue.

-Woman

-Below the age of 25

-Any genre

-Must be from a published play

-Nothing before 1950

-As a side note also - does anyone know if it's acceptable at auditions to do a male monologue? I'm not too sure...

I'm sorry I've waited so long to post, but seriously thank you for everything.

A combination of leaving sixth form, leaving my theatre, losing my friendship group and unemployment has put me in a really dark place. I have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning and I rarely leave the house or talk to anyone. As much as I love auditioning, I just can't bring myself to prepare and I find myself not even wanting to do it this year. I've lost all the support that I had last year from friends, teachers, and directors. I don't even know what schools I want. And as much as I love Shakespeare, I can't even touch my books.

I'm trying my best to reply to all your emails, but anything to do with any of this makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep forever.

The day has finally arrived friends - RADA have released their application form. And I must be honest, I gasped slightly when I clicked on that link and was not met with a disappointing message. I cannot wait to get started! Because I got past the preliminary last year, I go straight to the second round - so I doubt my audition date will be before the new year. Can't wait to go back.

Follow this link for a form: http://www.rada.ac.uk/rada_files/pdfs/application_acting_2014.pdf

To those of you curious to see me both act and sing, I am in the process of planning to start uploading to YouTube. This may take a few weeks or months, it's hard to tell when I'll be finished and comfortable.

I've battled with confidence issues in film for a while. The moment a camera is pointed at me I get incredibly self conscious - I even struggle with Skype. My singing is even worse - only audition panels and (begrudgingly) my best friend have heard me sing. She was helping me prepare for my auditions and I couldn't even sing to her face, I had to do it over the phone and had a panic attack doing so.

Aside from the issues, I also need to prepare myself for the feedback. Until now, my audience has been none the wiser about my ability and now I'm opening myself to being judged. And let's face it not all responses are positive. However, if I want to act, I need to get over this irrational fear of cameras and judgements so hopefully this is a step in the right direction.

I'll keep you updated. And keep your questions coming!

Hello my lovely 2014 applicants. If you were not already aware, UCAS based drama schools are accepting applications and have been since September. It's best to send your applicantion through as early as possible. Last year I left it very very late, and didn't get an audition for Central until April. So try your best to get it done now. For the independent schools, I believe they open in November/December.

I found last year that there was plenty of support for university personal statements but very little for drama school statements. There's a line in acting between confidence and arrogance and in your statement you need to be careful not to cross it. If anybody would like any help for the structure or wording of their statement I'd be happy to help - but bare in mind that we are actors. Which means our statements count for shit.

This year I have decided to apply for only two UCAS schools: Central and GSA

Today I got a letter to say I did not receive a place at RADA. The first thing I did was call my Dad and have a little cry. The initial sting of it was horrible and I'm sure that it will hit me again tonight when I'm left with my own thoughts. However, knowing that people have been receiving places since Sunday prepared me for a rejection.

For anyone else who didn't receive a place at a drama school, please know that everything happens for a reason. Looking past this and making something brilliant happen in this gap year is what is going to make you a stronger person and actor.

And as much as it hurts, please don't sympathise. This is a part of the business - rejections. I was not unsuccessful this year! I reached the final round of RADA on my first try at the age of 18 and am incredibly proud to say so - this was an achievement. At least now I can keep you updated with what I'm doing throughout the year as well as my 2014 applications. Thank you for all the support that I have received throughout this audition process, I really appreciate it.

Comment:
"why you want to go to rada? its shit"


I couldn't help but first laugh at this comment.

Firstly, you must have a serious lack of knowledge about drama schools if you believe RADA is shit. All you have to do is look at their alumni to see that some of the greatest actors on our stages and screens trained at RADA - actors like Anthony Hopkins, Alan Rickman and Mark Rylance. If you personally do not like the school, that would be your opinion. However, it is ridiculously illogical to say that it is shit just because you don't like it.

Secondly, this blog is not for criticism. It is a place where I can write my experiences not just for those looking for advice, but for myself to look back on and remember. While I take questions freely, I don't appreciate people questioning my choices. This is about my happiness not yours. And if I'm going to be happiest at RADA - then whether it's shit or not, I am going to RADA.

I asked my younger brother why on earth someone would think RADA is shit, to which he replied:

"Someone who wasn't accepted".

Just got an email through this afternoon to let me know that I did not get a recall for LAMDA. And not surprisingly, I'm not disappointed at all. But what this does mean, is that my final round of RADA was my last drama school audition this year.

Just wanted to let you all know!

I'M BEING CONSIDERED!!

Comment:
"hey Heather, decided to post this anonymously dunno why really because you do know me we go to the same skl. I have been reading your blog and have been very inspired by it that even through all your rejections you have pushed through and are still going. I have tried to dab my feet into acting and did a adult classes at the sylvia young skl and found i had a passion for it. However I do feel that i have left it too late to go any furthr or try to start something new without it compromising exams and Uni. Any advice you can give me?"


First off, thank you for reading my blog, I really do appreciate it.

I'm assuming that because you've only just discovered your passion for acting that you do not take drama as a specific subject and given that you are worried about uni, I would place you in year 10 or 11. Truth is that this doesn't matter, I'm just trying to understand your position. I'm also glad that you posted this anonymously because now I'm free to give you honest and truthful advice, without the worry that I may hurt your feelings.

You can never leave anything too late. If this is something that you can honest see yourself doing and loving for the rest of your life then grab it and run! There was a man at my final round of RADA who was 32 years old and he had made it that far. It's never too late.

Having said that, here are your options: if you are going on do to A-Levels, you don't necessarily need a drama GCSE to do the A-Level. Throughout the two years at sixth form you can then decide if this is really for you or not. However, do not drop everything! Still have plans for uni because you never know if you'll change your mind and you definitely need a back up plan.
If you are younger than GCSE level, I would seriously recommend taking it - it's so much fun!

Do not mistake this lifestyle choice as being easy. Only 31% of actors earn more than £3000 a year. Not only that, there's also getting into drama school. It's a hard path and you'll need thick skin. Even the best of people don't get into drama school. I'm telling you this because, to act, you need raw talent. It would be shameful of me to tell you to drop everything and pursue this if you didn't have what it takes. Because if you don't, I don't want to be responsible for you trying and wasting a number of years trying for drama school. If you're still unsure, join a regular theatre club such as the Queens Theatre, Hornchurch.

However, if this is truly your passion, THEN FOLLOW YOUR DREAM. I didn't know that I wanted to pursue a career in acting until year 12 and that wasn't too late! If you want more personal advice, just come see me!

For those of you who don't already know, I have news! I'm through to the final round of RADA!!! It took three and a half weeks, but I finally got an email! I'll update you later!

Ahhhhhh!!!

I'm starting to worry that I'll be back next year auditioning. This isn't necessarily a bad thing or because I've been unsuccessful with the majority of my choices - it's more of a gut feeling, not that it won't happen, but that it won't happen this year. Some of the greatest actors on our screens waited years to be accepted in to a drama school. Of course, it won't be the end of the world if I take an involuntary gap year. It's just incredibly frustrating when you know exactly what you want to do and where you want to be and circumstances withhold you.

Only two more preliminaries left!
Central - 10th April
LAMDA - 25th April

Ongoing:
RADA workshop - 5th April
GSA result

Now I'm awaiting the date for my RADA workshop. I have my Guildford preliminary coming up on the 25th March 2013; RADA originally wanted me to do the 26th but I have asked for a different day as it's the day after Guildford. Don't think that it will be fine. It will not be fine. You will be exhausted and for the sake of performing at your best the next day, just rearrange.

For now, I'll leave you on another Golden Rule (Andy Nyman):

"Never forget 'resting' is not failing, it is one of the perks of being an actor. If you wanted to work 52 weeks a year, you'd be in an office"