I'm trying my best to reply to all your emails, but anything to do with any of this makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep forever.
Monday 25 November 2013
I want to give up
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A combination of leaving sixth form, leaving my theatre, losing my friendship group and unemployment has put me in a really dark place. I have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning and I rarely leave the house or talk to anyone. As much as I love auditioning, I just can't bring myself to prepare and I find myself not even wanting to do it this year. I've lost all the support that I had last year from friends, teachers, and directors. I don't even know what schools I want. And as much as I love Shakespeare, I can't even touch my books.
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I know one thing - you will NEVER forgive yourself if you will give up this year. Remember, - this is the ONLY way to change your life now. Go for it and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Everything you've mentioned above; leaving school, friends going elsewhere etc. are bound to make you feel low. One part of your life has ended and the next part hasn't begun yet. You are in a kind of limbo. Plus the days are short and dark which has much more effect on us than we are sometimes aware of, especially if your getting up late and missing most of the daylight.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really a bit of a test for you. If you can get through times like these you'll be able to cope with difficult times as an actress.
Try to find ways to reach out and open out rather than close down; if you can find the money, see as many plays, films and exhibitions as you can, all sorts of things, even if you have to go alone. Contact teachers and mentors who have been helpful and encouraging in the past, they'll be glad to hear from you. Try to find some structure to your day, even if you just go out for a walk at the same time. Sounds silly but it helps. And lay off the alcohol while you feel like this; it's a depressant and lowers the immune system.
Best wishes.
I am in a similar position to you right now, I just graduated from college after three years and have taken a big change and am now trying to go to drama school. I have left a group of friends, am in a kind of "limbo" as you described it and am also unemployed.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you though, I have your blog book-marked because of how massively helpful I have found it to be when preparing for the auditions and choosing which schools I want to apply to. It is very well written and provides many insights into the processes of these schools. From reading your earlier posts it is clear to see your passion for acting and how much you want to get into these schools which is very admirable.
However, this feeling will not just disappear without you doing something about it. I say set your alarm for 8 every morning and get up NO MATTER WHAT! This will provide structure for you, you will then begin to feel like you must do something with all these hours in the day. I don't know if you have read any of these books but if not I recommend them: Audition by Michael Shurtleff, An Actor prepares by Constantin Stanislavski, Respect for Acting by Uta Hagen, Sanford Meisner on acting and Actor's Art and Craft by William Esper. Buy these or some of them and go to the library to read them, not at home. Make notes, highlight important suggestions from each book, then take all the best ones and write them into a note pad which will become your "bible" for acting. Join casting websites online or get an agent if possible, go to auditions for everything whether it be a student film, background acting, or an advertisment, all experience in auditioning and being on set is valuable. You must stop feeling sorry for your self and I find the structure in your day of going to bed by a certain time and getting up early helps hugely. I'm not trying to be mean in any way and I am sorry if I am but if you do these things they will help.
Heather - Please don't feel like this. I've just been read your blog from begining to end and I can tell you how much YOU have inspired me. Final round of RADA? You were on the right path! It's clear you have so much potential and someone as intelligent and devoted as you cannot leave such a worthwhile industry. It might seem hard right now but every actor has felt this way at some stage. If you can't touch your Shakespeare right now then read something else! One of my favourite novels to keep my mind away from reality is Catcher in the Rye. If you've never read it then I totally recommend it to you.
ReplyDeletePlease, never give up. We can't lose your talent... or your blogging skills!
Much love,
- A LAMDA student.
Never give up. You are young, intelligent and talented. It's part of the industry. Not getting in is a test to see how much you want it/need it. Keep going girl. x
ReplyDeleteHeather,
ReplyDeleteFound your blog today whilst googling RADA short courses, and it's refreshing, insightful, and well-written, as its popularity would imply. Reading through it has been quite the journey, from your wide-eyed optimism and excitement before, during, and just after your application/audition process, to this more sombre post, and one which I've raced through in about 40 minutes of reading. To that end, I thought I'd offer some thoughts, having breezed past a portion of your life, in your words, in an episode-length sitting.
First, and it's important to remember no matter how obvious it sounds, you're clearly exceptionally good at what you're doing. Your RADA feedback letter alone is an enviable resource, and certainly far more useful than any reviews I've ever had, as something to fall back on when you need to be reminded quite why you're pursuing this ridiculous roller-coaster that is the acting career. With it and this blog, you should be well-equipped to remind yourself not only of your aptitude, but of your enthusiasm, especially on those darker days when you need to be reminded.
I'm a few years older than you, in my second year of Uni, but also suffered a Great Gap Year Void. You're up against the twin difficulties of auditioning for drama schools—which is more than enough of a challenge—and a pretty tumultuous (or, worse, worryingly bland) period of your life post-school, post-sixth form, and post-enforced routine, the challenge of the former magnified by the presence of the latter. For all its social elements, acting seems to me to be a very solitary, introspective profession. Auditioning and performing are pretty much exercises in putting as much of yourself on the line as possible and hoping that people don't hate it, so I think it's natural to lose motivation once you find yourself outside of the usual, more comfortable parameters of a known theatre group, an established circle of drama friends and such. I empathise with your position. I'm in the arguably more depressing one of doing a degree I don't care about so as to prepare for the plunge that is pursuing a career in acting, as well as delaying the inevitable terror and existential angst that said pursuit will bring.
But don't despair. Make your own motivation, bit by bit, and you'll start to get back into the swing of it. As actors enjoy the benefits of being the primary component of their work, so too do they have to put up with the downsides of being largely on your own. Don't give up though, unless it's on your own terms, in which case it isn't giving up, just moving on.
And best of luck.
have u had ur rada audition yet?
ReplyDeleteHeather, you have inspired me so much as I am applying to a Drama School too. Final Round at RADA? That's OUTSTANDING! You have so much ambition and I admire you for that. Do not, whatever the circumstances give up because you will get in with perseverance
ReplyDeleteI am literally in the same boat as you Heather, chin up, things get bad but it's down to you to make them good again. And the way I see it, not getting in last year has made me want it more, and I didn't think that was possible. I'm so grateful for your blog, I've had literally no one to talk to because unless you've been through the process, you just don't get it, so it's incredibly refreshing to know that there's at least one other person out there that really GETS it. If you need someone to talk to, just a fellow actor who understands, then feel free to add me on facebook, I have my prelim RADA audition in 3 days and I just find that I have no motivation, I've been working my butt off for the past few months but when no one is around to support you and it's just you, sat in your living room at 4am rehearsing silently to yourself, it's hard to think you stand a chance. Chin up, you CAN do it,
ReplyDeleteLots of positive thoughts, Lena Kheroua, 19, Manchester
Heather, what Lena said x1000. Oh how I wish I were 18 again! I am twice your age, and SO wish I could go back...PLEASE, don't despair: to get as far as you did last year with RADA is enviable and exciting to read about, and I know you can do this: you have your whole career ahead of you. The letter from the big wig at RADA is amazing, and I think it speaks volumes about the future you will have. You have inspired me, and I'm dying to study in London, at RADA or the Bristol Old Vic. I wish I were 18, just heading out, with the talent that you possess, but I can only begin where I am, and give it a go in my near mid 40s.
ReplyDeleteI've just read this post and am amazed at how much I relate to it. I too am applying for drama schools after quitting university after one year. I am in the worst place of my life right now, as all my friends have moved on and I too am in a 'limbo'. It is the worst feeling in the world, and especially now that it's winter seems to make it 100X worse. I also have a shit job that is dead end, basically I work in a warehouse. People never prepare you for this stage of being an actor, when you're not sure if you're even good enough to get into a school, let alone pursue it as a career. The only advice I can give is that you're not alone and, although you got rejected, getting to the final round truly is amazing and you shouldn't give up. I'm trying not to at the same time. Everything is temporary, even limbo. xxx
ReplyDelete